Fine line
It’s a fine line between sexy and skanky. Especially when you’re nineteen. So, memo to Hayden Panettiere: you’ve definitely moved toward skanky with this dress.
Here is a general recipe for SKANK:
Combine 2 cups of Too Tight and 1/2 cup of Too Shiny. Add 1 cup of Black Lace and 1/2 cup of Bordello; stir until well blended. Add 2 tbsp of Heavy Black Eyeliner and garnish with two uplifted boobs. Serve immediately to a boyfriend twelve years older than you.
Mullet
I am not a fan of mullets. In hair or in clothes. Then again, I am not really a fan of Bond films. So I was predestined to dislike Gemma Arterton’s Balmain dress at the recent Bond premiere.
The dress is a little ice-capades-meets-WWF. The dress (especially from the front) looks like a figure skating costume. The studded shoes and middle-weight-champion belt give the WWF edge. And the full train just makes it odd.
A little bit country
Joss Stone looks a little bit too country. Dowdy. Frumpy. Dumpy. Annoyingly cheery. Shall I continue?
Might I recommend a little bit rock-n-roll?
Flying squirrel
I can’t find a great photo of the front of Mary-Kate Olsen’s dress, but she reminds me of a flying squirrel dressed as Stevie Nicks for Halloween. Seriously, that is a lot of fringe. And her bad posture doesn’t enhance the look.
Wear shoes
I think we can establish a red carpet cardinal rule: WEAR SHOES.
If you have freakish Lara Flynn Boyle feet, this cardinal rule becomes even more important. There is no reason on god’s green earth to show those buggers off.
Kinda cute, kinda weird
So, this Chanel Iman dress is kinda cute. It’s also kinda weird. Kooky. It looks like the designer used a play-doh extruder and tied it all up with a ribbon
Burberry
I am not feeling the recent Burberry collections. It seems they are inspired by pea soup and cloudy London days. From Maria Menounos to Rosario Dawson now to Kate Bosworth, I have been decidedly underwhelmed.
Unless Kate *wanted* to look like a walking toupee, I don’t get this dress choice.
Weddings or coronations
I really like the front of Elizabeth Banks’ Kaufman Franco dress for the London premiere of W. It photographed beautifully.
Until I saw this photo. This length of train is only appropriate at a wedding or a coronation. Otherwise, it is unnecessary and excessive. The dress would be just as pretty without the train, or with a reasonably sized one.
Art deco
There is a reason that Art Deco was more for buildings than for clothes. Unless you *want* to look like the Chrysler building, I advise you stay away from Kelly Lynch’s dress.
And why is the dress so schlumpy? Unless she wanted it to match her schlumpy hair.
Sack dress
I am decidedly *not* feeling the love for Rosario Dawson’s Burberry dress. Let me count the ways:
Shape: What shape? It is snooze boring and utterly shapeless.
Color: What color? Puce green? Even *if* the color didn’t photograph well, it’s still not an attractive color.
Accessories: More snooze. Plain black clutch. Plain black pumps. Plain black beaded necklace.
Undergarments: I suggest you wear some.
