Orange you glad to see me?
I was on a little vacation, and came back to see Michelle Monaghan wearing this Louis Vuitton train wreck.
Whaaaaat? Was I gone too long? Did my eye sight get distorted from too much sun? WTF is this thing? And what would compel anyone (other than Madonna, who is paid to wear Vuitton) to wear this monstrosity?
Forever 21
It looks like Fergie hauled herself down to the local Forever 21 store and bought the first thing she could find. The dress looks cheap and tarty, the jewelry makes it even worse, and it is never a good idea to put a gi-normous bow on your boobs.
On the upside, I do really like her hair and make up. Sometimes Fergie’s face can look a big angular, and this is soft and fresh.
Split personality
Is Beyonce suffering from a split personality?
One day she is Sasha Fierce in a robo-glove, and the next day she is Miss South Carolina in the mother of all beauty pageant dresses by Zuhair Murad. With pageant hair to match. And why do her bosoms look like they have been encased and shellacked in a Glad trash bag?
French maid
Hmm…aren’t French maid costumes supposed to be sexy? Cuz this one looks a little French maid-ish, but is definitely not sexy. Unless you think your grandmother is sexy.
It takes a lot of effort to make a sheer lacy dress seem dowdy, but this dress does a darn good job! And why was it designed for the boobs to be around her waist?
Peek-a-boo
Is Gwyneth Paltow’s Antonio Berardi dress supposed to be sultry? Alluring? Cuz I just don’t see it.
Instead, I see a phallic crotch cover, granny undergarments, and shoes with built in footies.
I wonder if the boots have little white pom poms on the back of her ankles?
Fine line
It’s a fine line between sexy and skanky. Especially when you’re nineteen. So, memo to Hayden Panettiere: you’ve definitely moved toward skanky with this dress.
Here is a general recipe for SKANK:
Combine 2 cups of Too Tight and 1/2 cup of Too Shiny. Add 1 cup of Black Lace and 1/2 cup of Bordello; stir until well blended. Add 2 tbsp of Heavy Black Eyeliner and garnish with two uplifted boobs. Serve immediately to a boyfriend twelve years older than you.
A little bit country
Joss Stone looks a little bit too country. Dowdy. Frumpy. Dumpy. Annoyingly cheery. Shall I continue?
Might I recommend a little bit rock-n-roll?
Dancing queen
I look at a lot of celebrity pictures. It’s kinda a hobby. Some make me swoon. Some make me laugh. Some make me shake my head in puzzlement. But very few make me really cringe. Cringe as in furrowed-brow-while-covering-my-eyes cringe.
This one made me cringe. What is it? Has wacky Katie Holmes gown to “fashion designing” again? I really just don’t get it. At all.
Now, I’m not a fan of jumpsuits. But I could see the white pants and strapless top combo as a jumpsuit. Retro seventies. Dancing queen. Harem pants. Not a favorite look, but one I could at least understand.
I have absolutely no clue how that seventies disco vibe coordinates with a sheer lace top. What!?!? Then we’ve added the eighties power-suit necklace and I’m utterly confused.
Little Bo Peep
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
at the Hollywood Life Awards
and doesn’t know where to find them.
(Perhaps they are hiding under all these yards of lace and organza.)
Victorian horsey
I get the look of Eva Herzigova’s Dolce & Gabbana dress. And I don’t hate it. But I also don’t love it. And I really don’t love the bright red lipstick.
The dress feels like Queen Victoria dressed in Ralph Lauren. It also feels a little heavy-handed, with the lace and the darting and the gathers and the high neck and the long sleeves and the scalloped edges.
Closer inspection of the fabric is also confusing. At first, I thought it was a lace overlay, a la Prada. But close up it seems that it is printed on the fabric. I dunno. I’m just so confused.
