Fountain of youth
Why is JLo sporting a shapeless parchment paper clown dress? Did she forget to take off her tank and bike shorts after finishing her triathlon?
Obviously, Jennifer Lopez’s look is over-the-top luxury, and the dress is Dolce and Gabbana). But does that mean she has to look older? She’s only 39. Halle Berry is three years older, for goodness sakes, and is still wearing appropriately youthful clothes.
So why is JLo choosing bouffant aqua net hair, a schlumpy dress and mother of the bride pumps?
Being kind
A posting described this Stella McCartney outfit as a “romper.” I think that is being kind. Unless “romper” is the new code word for a wrinkled-parachute-buttoned-up-shapeless-colorless-shorts-outfit-with-pockets-slapped-on-the thighs. If so, then I completely agree! Spot-on description.
Can I say that I am really tired of Kate Hudson? I am not passionate enough about her to spout off in an emotionally-charged fashion (like I did about JLo on Monday). But I’ve had enough of the spunkiness, the goofiness, the isn’t-it-weird-how-I’m-my-mother’s-identical-clone-ness, the I-kissed-another-boy-while-playing-tennis-because-I-don’t-believe-in-monogamy-ness, and the my-son-really-WANTS-his-hair-to-be-this-long-ness.
And mostly, I’m just tired that every single movie she is in seems EXACTLY the same. Tell me *how* exactly Fool’s Gold differed from Raising Helen differed from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Cuz I swear she was playing the exact same role in each and every one of those movies.
Oh, wait. I guess I am passionate enough to spout off in an emotionally-charged fashion.
I’m a director!
Kirsten Dunst is trying very hard to convince us she is a director. Actors get all gussied up for red carpet premieres, but DIRECTORS look rumpled and artsy and intense.
To achieve an rumpled/artsy/intense director look, you must apparently wear a shapeless blouse with frayed edges over short shorts with black penny loafers. Good to know. I wonder if they teach that in film school? Thank heaven’s we don’t have to experience Quentin Tarantino in short shorts!
I pity the fool
I just have to say this, for my own mental health: Madonna is TOTALLY creeping me out these days. She has these spindly yet muscular arms and mega cheekbones. And why is she wearing such weird hoodie/athletic shorts combinations for her rehearsals?
But I digress. Back to the outfit at hand. Let’s break down this fiftieth birthday outfit (happy birthday, Madge!) from the bottom up:
Black thigh-high boots
Black hose
Black granny shorts
Black sheer dress
(Are you beginning to sense a theme?)
Black top we can’t see becuase it’s obsured by her stringy hair
Sheer black puffy sleeves with shiny gold cuffs
Eight pounds (or are they stones in Britian?) of Mr. T necklaces
Shiny clutch purse with rhinetone lettering
I guess her new look is “Biker-chick-figure-skater-meets-Mr.-T.”
The trend that keeps on rolling
The baggy jean pegging and rolling trend just gets worse and worse. We have baggy jeans on the red carpet, Katie Holmes wearing the same jeans every dang day, and now Ashley Tisdale is rolling up her baggy jean shorts. Ugh.
Stop. The. Insanity.
One way or another
Was Deborah Harry going for nautical or Gothic here? One way or another, this outfit is a complete mess. Blondie, I certainly don’t getcha getcha getcha.
From what I can tell, this look started as a black lace dress. Anyone over the age of 60 is going down a dangerous path with sheer lace and granny pants, but we could probably live with that fashion infraction.
It is the non-sensical nautical striped top that puts this look over the edge. Was she chilly on the way over? Did she want to conceal her arms? Was she considering a menage a trios with Captain and Tennille?
Add the orthapedic sandals, pale make-up and aging hairdo to the mix, and this look is far from Rapture.
House of Hanes
I am not seeing the design ingenuity in this Elizabeth and James outfit. Sure, it makes Gwyneth Paltrow look about 9 feet tall, with legs that never end. But I think her gene pool and her work out regimen have as much to do with that as anything.
The outfit is a glorified Hanes t-shirt and some short shorts. And I’m not sure the t-shirt is particularly flattering. It looks like Gwyneth rolled out of bed, pulled back her hair, grabbed some awesome Tod’s shoes, and hauled her butt down to Amagansett.
Teen (bad fashion) choice award
It’s probably a little tough to dress for the Teen Choice Awards. The average age of the viewing audience is about 15. So people who really are about 15 want to look older and more sophisticated, but still trendy. Those who are double the target age (or older!) are painfully trying to still look relevant and hip. Instead, you get Brian Austin Green failing to look either hip or trendy.
Here is exhibit A: Teens Trying to Look Older- Joy Lauren.
Here is exhibit B: Non-Teens Trying to Look
Hip and Relevant- Most of the people in the room over the age of 30. Let’s start with David Beckham and move to Mariah Carey, Randy Jackson, Adam Sandler, etc.
In all these cases, I say: Dress Your Age! If you are young and perky, don’t dress like you are 50 in a below-the-knee black skirt, unflattering vest, and matronly pearl necklace.
And if you age doesn’t end in -teen anymore, please acknowledge that. You can still look relevant and trendy without going to extremes. It’s better for people to think you look great for your age. Nothing is worse than trying to hard and not succeeding.
Vacation
I’m going on vacation for a few days. What should I pack?
Here is my checklist….
m Crocheted swim suit
m High-waisted denim short shorts
m Fedora hat
m A butler– I mean husband– to carry my bags
Aaahhh…forget it…too complicated. I’ll just pack my captain’s hat and call it a day.
See you in a few days!
Train wreck
It seems that Mary-Kate Olsen is vying for the Courtney Love Train Wreck Award. (You know this is the second highest train wreck award in the world, just behind the Amy Winehouse Train Wreck Award).
Mary-Kate is obviously going through a tough time. She is living in denial. So let’s try to get her into a 12-step fashion rehab program. The first step is admitting you are powerless to bad fashion. Then she has to recognize a higher fashion power, and make amends for her fashion mistakes.
Until then, her fashion errs and her knee-high gladiator sandals will hold her as a bad fashion prisoner.
