Ad nauseam

August 29, 2008 at 1:53 pm (Cardigan, Denim, Floral, Katie Holmes, Pleated) (, , , , , )

I am torn between being totally repulsed and totally glued to Katie Holmes watch- NYC 08. On one hand, can’t the girl just go to rehearsals without being photographed ad nauseam? On the other hand, what crazy thing will she do with denim today?

What a quandary– avert our eyes or keep a rapt attention?

I felt the same tension toward the end of the Olympics. Michael Phelps had achieved his mission, I had watched four consecutive nights of beach volleyball,and I don’t really know anything about rhythmic gymnastics. So should I keep watching Bob Costas, or should I actually get off the dang couch and be productive?

My answer to the Olympic question was to keep watching, watching hours of TV watching until I cross-eyed. My answer to the Katie Holmes question is to keep blogging, especially when she wears this Missoni pleated floral shapeless “dress” with a Mr. Rogers cardigan. It’s like gawking at a traffic accident–we just can’t turn away. God help us.

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Bringing hairy back

August 29, 2008 at 9:46 am (Fur, Headband, Tank, Victoria Beckham) (, , , , , , )

I cannot think of a single scenario where a hairy back would be considered alluring. Granted, Victoria Beckham is a far cry from an overweight shirtless dude with hair along his back and arms. Nevertheless, I don’t think this is a fashion trend that will (or even should) catch on.

This Giambattista Valli dress otherwise is impeccable, albeit a little plain. It’s a shame the furry mink of a back was added. I can think of a million other ways to embellish this dress well.

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At a loss

August 28, 2008 at 3:11 pm (Clutch, Deep V, Heidi Montag, Jumpsuit, Sashes) (, , , , , , )

I’m at a loss. Spent. Don’t know what else to say. Reason doesn’t work. Logic means nothing. So I have no words left to explain how and why and where I do NOT like jumpsuits.

Instead, I’ll focus all that contempt and dislike for Heidi Montag instead. Grrrr.

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Aunt Jemima

August 28, 2008 at 12:23 pm (Jessica Simpson, Plaid, Strapless) (, , , , , )

Jessica Simpson has beat her “country” look to an utter and complete pulp. Ugh. Unless you’re Dolly Parton (for whom country kitsch has been elevated to an art form), looking this country/folksy/hillbilly just isn’t necessary. It certainly doesn’t make your CD sell any better!

If Aunt Jemima moonlighted as a Playboy bunny, this is the dress she would wear. It is unfashionable, unflattering, and utterly unappealing. Almost as unappealing as the looks Jessica makes when she sings.

PS How many more of these “love of my life” covers will we have to endure?

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Coochie, Coochie

August 28, 2008 at 11:19 am (All Black, Eva Herzigova, Feathers, Necklace, Strapless) (, , , , , , )

Eva Herzigova sure looks happy to be at the Venice Film Festival. Granted, being in any close proximity to George Clooney and Brad Pitt would elicit some excitement. But this seems a tad excessive.

For some reason, this look evokes images of Charo for me. Maybe it’s the overplayed feathers on skirt AND sleeve, or unkempt blond hair. Maybe it’s the sparkly choker, or the Vegas showgirl sandals. Or maybe it’s the can-can pose she’s striking. Whatever it is, I say “coochie, coochie.”

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Top fashion insiders

August 27, 2008 at 2:14 pm (Shiny, Strapless, Vanessa Minillo) (, , , , , , )

I love the description for this odd event: “Top fashion insiders attend the launch of of the new Tide and Downy Total Care.” I am not 100% sure what a “Top Fashion Insider” is (do they get security clearance like a high-level Pentagon official?), but there would be a lot of pressure to fit that billing. Heaven forbid that the new Tide is launced by a B-grade Fashion Insider!?

Who did they get? Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Vanessa Minnillo, and Lindsay Price. Really? This is the best they can do for “Top Fashion Insiders?”

For the sake of argument, even IF we grant these three as “Top Fashion Insiders,” (which we certainly do NOT), then I’d expect to be blown away by their garb. I unequivocally was not blown away.

Vanessa Minillo looks like she is ready for the 1989 prom. Honestly, I think my good friend Heather wore this EXACT dress to our prom. I’m not exaggerating! She wore a shiny blue satin dress with a ruched front. She probably even wore plain black pumps from Bakers. And her hairstyle was similar, except she had permed hair and teased her bangs straight up in front.

Top Fashion Insider? I think not…

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Cousin Itt

August 27, 2008 at 11:52 am (Belt, Boots, Fur, Plaid, Ruffles, Tank) (, , , , , , )

Almost duped by Solange Knowles!

First glance: looking pretty good. Hair: good. Dress: like it. Belt: we’ll go with it. Bracelet: not feeling the Fendi badge of honor but, given the totally insane things you normally sport, it’s acceptable.

Three cheers for Solan….oh, wait. Hmmm. What the heck are on her feet? Did she get those shoes from the House of Cousin Itt? Is she trying to look like a Clydesdale horse? Is she swiffering the floor during her visit to TRL?

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Lemon fresh

August 26, 2008 at 6:09 pm (Beaded, Draped, Eva Mendes, Maxi-dress, Sheer, Strapless) (, , , , , , )

There are a few mysteries in the world, and we may never know the answers. Is there alien life form? How were the pyramids built? Is there really a Santa Claus? And why…oh why!?…do people want to wear maxi-dresses?

I can confidently say that I will *never* wear a maxi-dress. Here’s why: I am neither tall nor rail thin. I like McDonald’s french fries and dislike running for miles and miles. There’s a spectrum between a supermodel in a maxi-dress and a woman wearing a muumuu and using an electric scooter in the local Wal-mart. And I certainly have never been mistaken for a supermodel.

There are a few scenarios where I can relax my anti-maxi-dress stance: 1) on the beach or spa, when it is a cover-up, 2) On a plane, when it is for comfort and ease, or 3.) after major abdominal surgery or during pregnancy, when a waistband is more difficult.

I do not like maxi-dresses as red carpet wear. Imagine some of our best style icons– Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Coco Chanel, or Jackie O. Would they *ever* wear a maxi-dress? I. Don’t. Think. So. And for good reason.

Look at Eva Mendes’ recent rendition. First of all, it is a sheer maxi-dress overlay with a fitted corset lining. So this flowy number isn’t any more comfortable than a tight-fitting strapless dress. Then we have the color yellow–which I think is the most difficult color in the entire palette to wear. It looks good on virtually no one.  And then we have the beads, which remind me of a bad seventies door hanging.

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I demand a recount

August 26, 2008 at 2:00 pm (Brooch, Michelle Obama) (, , , , , )

I really like Michelle Obama. And I think her speech at last night’s Democratic National Convention was great. But her choice of this Maria Pinto dress demands a recount.

First off– the color. The turquoise color didn’t look good against the bright blue backdrop, and she looked like a turquoise version of Grimace.

Second–the cut. Her bra strap showed on occasion, and the expanse of unfettered material was uber-boring. No defined waistline, no seaming, nothing to add interest. It looks like it was sewed from a Simplicity “It’s So Easy” clothing pattern. The length was a tad too long. I get that she needed to be demure with her knees covered, but it could have still been two inches shorter. And, while she is by no means big, the cut of this dress did nothing for her hips or her backside.

Finally–the pin. What’s up with that Erickson Beamon brooch? Maybe she was trying to create focal point for the close-up shots. Is it a sunburst? A daisy? A subliminal symbol of hope, future progress and prosperity all wrapped into one metal-and-stone accessory?

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Does that make me crazy? Possibly.

August 26, 2008 at 9:47 am (Beyonce, Boots, Denim, Draped, Feathers, Kim Kardashian, Necklace, Solange Knowles, T-Shirt) (, , , , , , , , , )

It must be hard to be Beyonce’s little sister. The lady is super-beautiful, super-talented, and (apparently) super-nice. She can sing, she can dance, she can act…she’s got it all.

Since Beyonce has taken all those superlatives for herself, it seems that Solange Knowles decided to go for the last descriptive left… crazy.

To her credit, Solange completely excels at crazy. The girl *owns* crazy. Hook, line and sinker. Case in point: her get up for last night’s Letterman appearance. Is she for real? A topshop feather bolero jacket? A ten-pound gold chain? And schizophrenic booties?

It is a sad day when Kim Kardashian shows up looking twenty times classier.

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