Fine line

October 31, 2008 at 10:47 am (Clutch, Hayden Panettiere, Lace, Metallic) (, , , , , , )

It’s a fine line between sexy and skanky. Especially when you’re nineteen. So, memo to Hayden Panettiere: you’ve definitely moved toward skanky with this dress.

Here is a general recipe for SKANK:
Combine 2 cups of Too Tight and 1/2 cup of Too Shiny. Add 1 cup of Black Lace and  1/2 cup of Bordello; stir until well blended. Add 2 tbsp of Heavy Black Eyeliner and garnish with two uplifted boobs. Serve immediately to a boyfriend twelve years older than you.

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Mullet

October 30, 2008 at 10:10 am (Belt, Draped, Gemma Arterton, Ruffles, Strapless) (, , , , , , )

I am not a fan of mullets. In hair or in clothes. Then again, I am not really a fan of Bond films. So I was predestined to dislike Gemma Arterton’s Balmain dress at the recent Bond premiere.

The dress is a little ice-capades-meets-WWF. The dress (especially from the front) looks like a figure skating costume. The studded shoes and middle-weight-champion belt give the WWF edge. And the full train just makes it odd.

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A little bit country

October 29, 2008 at 1:26 pm (Joss Stone, Lace, Ruffles) (, , , , , , )

Joss Stone looks a little bit too country. Dowdy. Frumpy. Dumpy. Annoyingly cheery. Shall I continue?

Might I recommend a little bit rock-n-roll?

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Flying squirrel

October 28, 2008 at 2:13 pm (All Black, Fringe, Mary-Kate Olsen) (, , , , , , )

I can’t find a great photo of the front of Mary-Kate Olsen’s dress, but she reminds me of a flying squirrel dressed as Stevie Nicks for Halloween. Seriously, that is a lot of fringe. And her bad posture doesn’t enhance the look.

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Wear shoes

October 27, 2008 at 2:21 pm (Lara Flynn Boyle) (, , , , , , )

I think we can establish a red carpet cardinal rule: WEAR SHOES.

If you have freakish Lara Flynn Boyle feet, this cardinal rule becomes even more important. There is no reason on god’s green earth to show those buggers off.

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Kinda cute, kinda weird

October 24, 2008 at 2:16 pm (Bows, Chanel Iman, Fringe, Leggings) (, , , , , , )

So, this Chanel Iman dress is kinda cute. It’s also kinda weird. Kooky. It looks like the designer used a play-doh extruder and tied it all up with a ribbon

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Burberry

October 24, 2008 at 9:32 am (Belt, Fringe, Kate Bosworth) (, , , , , , , )

I am not feeling the recent Burberry collections. It seems they are inspired by pea soup and cloudy London days. From Maria Menounos to Rosario Dawson now to Kate Bosworth, I have been decidedly underwhelmed.

Unless Kate *wanted* to look like a walking toupee, I don’t get this dress choice.

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Weddings or coronations

October 23, 2008 at 3:31 pm (Beaded, Deep V, Elizabeth Banks, Halter, Sheer, Train) (, , , , , , )

I really like the front of Elizabeth Banks’ Kaufman Franco dress for the London premiere of W. It photographed beautifully.

Until I saw this photo. This length of train is only appropriate at a wedding or a coronation. Otherwise, it is unnecessary and excessive. The dress would be just as pretty without the train, or with a reasonably sized one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Art deco

October 22, 2008 at 1:50 pm (Beaded, Kelly Lynch, Metallic, Sequins, Tunic) (, , , , , , )

There is a reason that Art Deco was more for buildings than for clothes. Unless you *want* to look like the Chrysler building, I advise you stay away from Kelly Lynch’s dress.

And why is the dress so schlumpy? Unless she wanted it to match her schlumpy hair.

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Sack dress

October 22, 2008 at 11:50 am (Clutch, Necklace, Rosario Dawson, Ruffles, Tank) (, , , , , , , )

I am decidedly *not* feeling the love for Rosario Dawson’s Burberry dress. Let me count the ways:

Shape: What shape? It is snooze boring and utterly shapeless.
Color: What color? Puce green? Even *if* the color didn’t photograph well, it’s still not an attractive color.
Accessories: More snooze. Plain black clutch. Plain black pumps. Plain black beaded necklace.
Undergarments: I suggest you wear some.

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