Undergarments

January 30, 2009 at 3:07 pm (Belt, Hat, High Waisted, Leggings, Mischa Barton, Necklace, Scarf, Shiny, Suspenders, T-Shirt, Tank) (, , , , , , )

Now, this seems like a whole lotta look for just walking down the street (even if it is a street in Paris during Fashion week).

Each individual component is tolerable, but all together (hat, necklaces, tank/tee, suspenders, belt, bracelet, skirt, tights, purse, scarf, tights, shoes) with a big hair and dark eyeliner equals too much.

And Mischa….darling…let me introduce you to a bra. When you’re wearing something high-waisted, you really need to wear a bra.

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Multiple personalities

January 30, 2009 at 12:32 pm (All Black, Boots, Denim, Rumer Willis) (, , , , , , )

I think Rumer Willis might suffer from a multiple personality disorder.

Sometimes she dresses like a sexpot. Sometimes she dresses like a guy. In this photo, she dresses like she grabbed whatever was laying around on the floor.

I’m not sure that these clothes are even clean. Or that she combed her hair. I sure as heck hope she at least brushed her teeth!

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Trashier

January 28, 2009 at 12:41 pm (Beaded, Livia Giuggioli, Paris Hilton, Sequins, Shiny) (, , , , , , , )

Am I crazy, or is this just a trashier version of the Livia Giuggioli (aka Mrs. Colin Firth) Mamma Mia premiere dress?

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Hospital gown

January 27, 2009 at 1:24 pm (Clutch, Natalie Portman, Sashes) (, , , , , , )

Did Natalie Portman become the spokesperson for a new line of organic Japanese hospital gowns? What else would compel her to don this sad frock?

I think she got her combover styled at the Donald Trump hair salon. It looks like a female version of The Donald’s infamous ‘do — frizzy ends and all.

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Underwhelmed

January 27, 2009 at 11:14 am (Angelina Jolie, Deep V, Maxi-dress) (, , , , , , , )

Lately I’ve been underwhelmed by a former favorite, Angelina Jolie. Don’t get me wrong, I like minimalist dressing. A lot. And she’s normally top notch.

But she is crossing the line from minimalist simplicity to blandly boring.

The body form is key to minimalist dressing. To me, a blousy silhouette de-emphasizes the linear body form that she starves herself to achieve. This Max Azria dress looks more Palm Springs pool cover-up (dahling) and less New York gallery opening.

Another key to simple dressing is hair. Nothing ruins a sleek look like a fussy 50s hairdo. Comb it straight back into a bun or chignon and you’re done. No wavy bangs. No wispy tendrils. No bouffant crown. Ever.

I hope she can turn this ship around in time for the Oscars.

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Spitballs

January 26, 2009 at 5:52 pm (Clutch, Marcia Cross, Strapless) (, , , , , , , )

I don’t think I’m feeling the Carolina Herrera love this season. I *hated* Renee Zellweger’s Golden Globes dress, and I ain’t too crazy about Marcia Cross’ dress either.

It looks like she started with a prom-like iridescent blue/purple dress, and then the crowd blew black spitballs at her while she walked down the red carpet. Or like she was attacked by a sinister flock of black origami cranes.

And doesn’t the angular nature of the black ‘things’ only accentuate the unattractive angularness of her shoulders?

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Why the fuss?

January 26, 2009 at 2:10 pm (Beaded, Clutch, Draped, Eva Longoria, Necklace, Pastels, Ruffles, Sheer) (, , , , , , , )

Eva Longoria Parker went from her Golden Globes fashion high to this SAG awards lowest of lows. Her red Golden Globes dress was simple, sleek and streamlined. This look….aaah…umm…isn’t.

Eva, why all the fuss? You are 5’2″ tall. I say avoid the flounce and flourish when you are that height.  And, unless you are literally performing a triple lutz that minute on ice, there is no reason for a built-in-necklace-with-sheer-overlay.

The whole look is giving me an orange sherbet push-up brain freeze.

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Chili

January 26, 2009 at 11:37 am (Belt, Denim, High Waisted, Jessica Simpson, Pockets, Tank) (, , , , , , )

Did Jessica Simpson perform at the Chili Cook-off in Podunk, Florida, or did she participate in the chili eating contest? Wowzers.

Now, we all gain a pound or two. Or ten. I have no problem with that. But I do think you need to adapt your fashion choices to compliment your body. And this outfit most definitely does *not* do her any favors.

High waisted pants with huge ass pockets, a double-decker leopard belt, and a tank top? Not exactly figure flattering. And why-oh-why does she always resort to the Jenny-McCarthy-late-90s-MTV facial gestures?

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Message in a bottle

January 22, 2009 at 2:44 pm (Sting, Trudie Styler) (, , , , , , , , , )

Message in a bottle to Sting and Trudie Styler:

Sure, you got it goin’ on. You’re tantric, you eat organic, and you have bazillions of dollars. You guys are amazing for being in your fifties; we all should be so lucky.

But you are in your fifties. Be proud of it. Lay off the plastic surgery, botox, and unabomber hair dye.You can be the hippest people in your age group, but don’t try to compete with people in their thirties.

Embrace it, ‘cuz you really do got it goin’ on.

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Square bubble

January 21, 2009 at 4:16 pm (Pleated, Rihanna) (, , , , , , )

Is it geometrically possible to look like a square bubble? Apparently, Rihanna was out to prove that this was not only possible, but to punctuate her point in bright yellow.

I really don’t understand this dress. How can curved pleats, a bubble skirt, and two very buoyant boobs look so dang boxy?

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