Beauty pageant

October 7, 2008 at 12:23 pm (Ashley Tisdale, Beaded, Metallic, Ruffles, Sheer) (, , , , , , , )

I actually winced when I opened this picture of Ashley Tisdale in Jenny Packham at the London premiere of High School Musical 3.

Dress aside, she just looks odd. Like her head is unreasonably and disproportionately large for her body. And her face is kinda puckered.

From there, the dress is just really, super-duper, crazy busy. Little beaded ruffles all over the bodice/skirt and bigger ruffles on the sleeves. Little rhinestones on the waist and bigger rhinestones at the neck. Oh yeah, plus it’s sheer, with more little rhinestone embellishments.

The whole look feels a little JonBenet Ramsey gaudy dress-your-six-year-old-like-she’s-a-sexpot. Never a good look.

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Zsa Zsa

October 1, 2008 at 9:59 am (Beaded, Halter, Lingerie, Milla Jovovich, Necklace, Ruffles) (, , , , , , , )

I feel like Milla Jovovich was inspired by a Zsa Zsa Gabor ruffled peignoir set. All she needs are some marabou slippers and a Pomeranian dog.

The dress is OK, even though no one larger than an A-cup could wear it tastefully.  I just don’t think the dress *goes* with the necklace. And it is a Bulgari event. The necklace is the star. Build your outfit around it.

I love the detail on the bodice, but it almost competes with the necklace. This is necklace can stand up to strong color, bold style and sleek silhouettes. I don’t think flesh-toned-pink and ruffles do the necklace justice.

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Let them eat cake

September 15, 2008 at 3:43 pm (All White, Beaded, Clutch, Fur, Jennifer Lopez, Sequins, Strapless) (, , , , , , )

Jennifer Lopez makes me want to poke my eyeballs out slowly and painfully. She is insane. Over-the-top, let-them-eat-cake, my-foot-hurts-so-I-can’t-keep-my-Project-Runway-commitment, holier-than-thou, isn’t-my-ferret-of-a-husband-fabulous insane. She makes Victoria Beckham seem humble.

I like everything about this Marchesa dress except for the marabou boobs. It’s like Santa’s elves mated with the ice princess to generate Elizabeth Taylor’s mini-me. She definitely ain’t Jenny on the Block no more.

The visible tan lines make it even worse–how do tan lines and fur in the same outfit make sense?

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Yak vest

September 11, 2008 at 10:17 am (Beaded, Fur, Madonna, Ruffles, Sheer, Vest) (, , , , , , , )

This whole look is very perplexing. Perplexing, indeed.

I wonder how many yaks were killed to make Madonna’s vest?

I wonder what Madonna had done to her face to make her cheekbones jut out so much?

I wonder if she knows she is sprouting butterfly antennae.

I wonder if she wants to look like Guy pelted her neck with his BB gun.

And– the biggest question of all– I wonder if Madonna and Anna Wintour work out with the same trainer.

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Curtain swag

September 9, 2008 at 10:27 am (All White, Beaded, Draped, Sheer) (, , , , , , )

Oh, to be eighteen again. Fair hair. Dewy skin. And stinking filthy unbelievably rich from all the Harry Potter movies. The world is Emma Watson’s oyster.

So why dost thou wear my mother-in-law’s draped curtain swags? Sure, her curtains aren’t made by Alexander McQueen. They are probably polyester chiffon from JC Penney. But the resemblance is striking.

I’d actually like the dress a lot more without the draping along the top. The beading along the bodice is absolutely beautiful, and the draping in the skirt is tolerable (except perhaps for the front v).

The custom Alexander McQueen shoes scream– can you hear them screaming?– bad bridal shoe. You can never go wrong with silver and strappy. Stay away from the Marie Antoinette slippers.

Finally. With all affection. We love you. Emma, please lighten the color of your eyebrows.

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Lemon fresh

August 26, 2008 at 6:09 pm (Beaded, Draped, Eva Mendes, Maxi-dress, Sheer, Strapless) (, , , , , , )

There are a few mysteries in the world, and we may never know the answers. Is there alien life form? How were the pyramids built? Is there really a Santa Claus? And why…oh why!?…do people want to wear maxi-dresses?

I can confidently say that I will *never* wear a maxi-dress. Here’s why: I am neither tall nor rail thin. I like McDonald’s french fries and dislike running for miles and miles. There’s a spectrum between a supermodel in a maxi-dress and a woman wearing a muumuu and using an electric scooter in the local Wal-mart. And I certainly have never been mistaken for a supermodel.

There are a few scenarios where I can relax my anti-maxi-dress stance: 1) on the beach or spa, when it is a cover-up, 2) On a plane, when it is for comfort and ease, or 3.) after major abdominal surgery or during pregnancy, when a waistband is more difficult.

I do not like maxi-dresses as red carpet wear. Imagine some of our best style icons– Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Coco Chanel, or Jackie O. Would they *ever* wear a maxi-dress? I. Don’t. Think. So. And for good reason.

Look at Eva Mendes’ recent rendition. First of all, it is a sheer maxi-dress overlay with a fitted corset lining. So this flowy number isn’t any more comfortable than a tight-fitting strapless dress. Then we have the color yellow–which I think is the most difficult color in the entire palette to wear. It looks good on virtually no one.  And then we have the beads, which remind me of a bad seventies door hanging.

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Choked by the family ties

June 26, 2008 at 2:44 pm (Beaded, Belt, Deep V, Denim, Justine Bateman, Necklace) (, , , )

I’m not sure what Justine Bateman was doing between Family Ties and her recent stint on Desperate Housewives. Somehow she snagged an invite to a Kate Spade dinner last night. And she showed up in this.

Maybe she will be starring in a Lifetime movie about a hardened and emaciated biker chick who likes black eyeliner and beading jewelery. She meets a nice preppy guy, who introduces her to fashionable handbags and dinner soirees. This is beginning to sound like Grease II.

 

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Where have you been, Mischa Barton?

June 19, 2008 at 12:22 pm (Beaded, Leather, Scarf, Sheer, Shorts, Suede, Tights, Tribal, Vest) (, )

Just yesterday, I was pining to myself, “Where are you, Mischa Barton? It’s been several days since I’ve seen you in a wacky ensemble. You actually looked quite nice at the Viktor and Rolf event in London. Maybe you changed stylists? Or actually hired one?”

But don’t despair! Our gal is back in predicatably bad fashion.

Here she is at the Billionaire Boys Club event in London last night. Maybe she was competing in a contest to wear as many random items as possible at one time– kinda like seeing how many jelly beans you can fit into your mouth at once.

 

 

Here’s the tally of items in this outfit:

1. patterned scarf
2. sheer blouse with embroidered front
3. beaded vest
4. leather jacket
5. bright yellow silk short shorts
6. black tights
7. beaded suede sandals
8. shoulder bag

 

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