From a distance

October 13, 2008 at 10:24 am (Asymmetrical, Checkered, Leather, Lindsay Lohan, Sheer) (, , , , , , )

From a distance (to quote a sappy Bette Midler), Lindsay Lohan looks ok. Zooming in tells a completely different story. She becomes a trainwreck.

Exhibit A: Spray Tan. How did they miss her knees and ankles? And is she really that pasty and ashen?

Exhibit B: Sheer Top. You can see the tag on the side, and there seems to have been a rip near her right boob that was shoddily fixed.

Exhibit C: Bra Strap. Three cheers that she wore a bra, given the sheerness of the top and her propensity to go without support. But why not a strapless bra?

I think she should have kept her leather jacket on!

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Tripe dreams

September 17, 2008 at 10:14 am (All Black, Belt, Checkered, Clutch, Lace) (, , , , , , )

I can’t help but see an engorged large intestine in the trim on Selma Blair’s Chanel dress. Sure, intestines aren’t black. And they aren’t wrapped decoratively around your neck and knees. But you get the idea.

And once I saw said large intestine, I just couldn’t like this dress. The lace is fine. The belt is great. The checkerboard pattern is tolerable. But all I see are intestines, intestines, intestines. And a funny hairdo.

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Unpleasant peasant

July 24, 2008 at 12:11 pm (Checkered, Julianne Moore, Tribal) (, , , , , )

Normally, I focus on red carpet fashions. If you are a celebrity making oodles of money and have access to  the best in fashion, you darn well better look good. Dang it, you are paid to look good.

But we all lead regular lives. If you are out running errands and look a little short of fabulous, I get it. You should see me during early morning Starbucks runs.  So, I’ll give you a little leeway.

Only a little leeway, though. Julianne Moore would need A LOT of leeway in this outfit. There is not one single thing that is flattering about this dress. I honestly can’t pick one single thing. If I was being waterboarded, I could relent with, “Black is a stylish color,” or “The bag certainly looks roomy.”

Not even torture could get me to like those shoes. In fact, those shoes ARE torture! Are the Doc Marten flip-flops? Combat slip-ons? Goodyear lace-ups?

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Checkered chronicles

July 1, 2008 at 8:34 am (Anna Popplewell, Checkered, Pleated) (, , , , , )

Maybe people are only looking at Ben Barnes, and Anna Popplewell has to work extra hard at getting noticed. So she grabs the nearest checkered flag, and wraps it around her like a bath towel.

A girl starring in a summer blockbuster has to be a little more fashion savvy. This dress is shapeless and is smashing the girls down to her waist.

Anna: you’re 19. Live it up while you can! Show off your waist! Give us a little leg! And– in the name of all fashion that is holy and good– never, never, ever wear those shoes again. Please.

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