Little green monster

July 21, 2008 at 11:17 am (Clutch, Debra Messing, Deep V, Metallic, Ruffles, Sashes, Shiny) (, , , , , )

I feel like Debra Messing has been wearing the same thing for the last three years. She has been wearing some variation of this dress over and over and over, and this one is particularly bad.

It is very green.
It is very shiny.
It is very puckered.
It is very big.
It is VERY boring.

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Sultry or saggy?

July 16, 2008 at 9:29 am (All Black, Deep V, Rumer Willis) (, , , , , )

I know the sultry look Rumer Willis is going for here. Unfortunately, it feels like she is trying too hard. And gravity isn’t working with her.

The dress itself is OK– albeit a little boring. And it has a mullet feel: vixen on top, matron on the bottom. Perhaps she is going for irony. But the vixen top is where it falls flat. Or droops. Or sags. Pick your verb. If you are going to try this type of look, the response should be, “Va-va-va-voom, she is smokin.” Not, “Yikes, I can’t believe this girl is only twenty. Perhaps she can be the spokeswoman for Maidenform.”

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Train wreck

July 14, 2008 at 11:27 am (Belt, Deep V, Denim, Gladiator Sandal, Mary-Kate Olsen, Necklace, Shorts) (, , , , )

It seems that Mary-Kate Olsen is vying for the Courtney Love Train Wreck Award. (You know this is the second highest train wreck award in the world, just behind the Amy Winehouse Train Wreck Award).

Mary-Kate is obviously going through a tough time. She is living in denial. So let’s try to get her into a 12-step fashion rehab program. The first step is admitting you are powerless to bad fashion. Then she has to recognize a higher fashion power, and make amends for her fashion mistakes.

Until then, her fashion errs and her knee-high gladiator sandals will hold her as a bad fashion prisoner.

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Let’s talk about v-necks

July 9, 2008 at 6:06 pm (Clutch, Deep V, Denim, High Waisted, Karina Smirnoff, Lauren Conrad, Necklace, Ruffles) (, , , , , )

OK. I thought it seemed pretty obvious. But I guess not. So I’ll spell it out: If you are going to wear a plunging v-neck, it has got to look good. It. Has. Got. To. Look. Good. Meaning the girls gotta be facing northward (we’d even take dead center), they gotta be supported, or they gotta be more covered up. Otherwise, you’ll be getting your photo taken for all the wrong reasons.

Do you hear me, Lauren Conrad? There is no excuse for this. Honestly. You don’t *have* to wear a dress that plunges to your belly button. You could wear a dress with a moderate dip– say, mid-breast.  Or even slightly below. But not to your navel.

Let’s take a peek at your party companion, Karina Smirnoff. Better usage of the plunging neckline– she gets three points. But gaudy diamond cross, deduct one point. And these crazy high-waisted button-fly jeans– deduct ten points. You two are quite a duo.

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Jumpsuit short-shorts

July 9, 2008 at 9:32 am (All Black, Deep V, Jumpsuit, Ruffles, Sashes, Selma Blair, Shorts) (, , , , )

Yesterday was a little slow…not many photos out there to mock and ridicule. So imagine our delight this morning when we awoke to this outfit on Selma Blair. Wow, this look was really something. Too bad that something wasn’t good.

We know that Selma is a fan of the deep v-necks, and they work well on her. But to add an uber-exaggerated ruffle sleeve and attached running shorts is a bit overboard (despite her amazing legs).

I wonder if Miss Blair also suffered from a sewing crisis on her way to TRL? Or maybe she had to use the potty, and this was faster than taking off the entire dang jumpsuit.

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Mama, don’t let your babies

July 8, 2008 at 9:45 am (Boots, Deep V, Floral, Jessica Simpson, Ruffles) (, , , , )

…dress like a Simpson. Or maybe we should plead to Daddy, since Joe Simpson seems to be her puppeteer. Either way, someone needs to talk to Jessica Simpson about her Pamela Anderson-esque wardrobe.

Now, we realize that Jessica ain’t the best singer or actress on the planet. Perhaps this is what she has to do to get attention. But her Miss Boobs-a-Lot look is worn and tired. She should update her look to distinguish herself from every other big-toothed, big-chested, fake-blond out there. Perhaps she could take a lesson from Scarlett Johansson or Halle Berry. It is possible to be chesty and sultry and well-dressed all at once.

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Battlestar Galactica

July 7, 2008 at 9:33 am (Belt, Clutch, Cut-outs, Deep V, Draped, Gladiator Sandal, Jennifer Lopez, Maxi-dress, Scarf) (, , , , )

I’m starting to see a little Elizabeth Taylor in Jennifer Lopez. She seems to be going for Liz’s Palm-Springs-aging-superstar look.

I’m all for a realistic body image. JLo has always been curvy, and the woman had twins, for heaven’s sake. Most of us have parts of ourselves we’d like to keep covered up. And most of us don’t look half as good as Jennifer Lopez.

But I am getting this vibe from her that she is trying to compensate for some perceived body imperfections. Like she is trying just a little too hard to show is she is still the sexy siren.

Instead, I see a bit of Battlestar Galactica in this outfit. I think it is the mother of all belts. Assuming the tummy area needs a little work after carrying two human beings, why would you wear a stretchy white Stonehenge of a belt?

PS I think JLo has lost her cajones. What is she doing with that little platic tab in her v-neck. JLo of the green Versace dress would never allow that!

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Jumpsuit revisited

June 30, 2008 at 10:19 am (All Black, Deep V, Jumpsuit, Selma Blair, Sequins, Tuxedo) (, , , , )

Here is Plaintiff’s Evidence Exhibit B on why I do not like jumpsuits. Is Selma Blair trying to look like Evil Knievel? Elvis? Or a long lost member of KISS?

Here is Plaintiff’s Evidence Exhibit A.

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Boho chic?

June 27, 2008 at 4:09 pm (Deep V, Elizabeth Hurley, Elle MacPherson, Floral, Fringe, Headband, Necklace, Uma Thurman) (, , , , , , )

It’s been a little quiet on the wires today. Mary-Kate is smiling and Britney is actually wearing clothes. Banner day for fashion critics!

Normally Elle MacPherson’s dress at Elton John’s “White Tie and Tiara” ball would stay under the radar screen. Not stellar, but not completely inappropriate in a Naomi-Campbell-in-a-sheer-gown sort of way. Since today’s been dullsville, we’re posting Elle MacPherson.

First, I’ll say that I’m sure it’s not fun to spend an evening with your ex — and the father of your children — right after he got engaged to another woman. And gave her an 8-carat rock. So, kudos to her for being there with her chin up. Second, I’ll say that the event had a beach theme. How a beach theme, white tie and diamonds all go together, I’m not sure. Most people seemed to skip over the beach part, and dressed for the white tie and diamonds part. Smart move.

Our lady Elle went for “bohemian chic.” What an oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp or freezer burn. I’m not in love with her necklace-as-headband look or her beaded-necklace-to-your-knees look. The gold mesh of the dress looks a little polyester-ish to me. And the floral/fringe shawl is totally distracting.

On an unrelated note, it feels like Elizabeth Hurley is always wearing the same darn dress. I’m all for knowing what looks good on you, but she is ALWAYS wearing a solid dress with a tight bodice that shows off the girls and a full skirt. And it’s usually Versace. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze.

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Choked by the family ties

June 26, 2008 at 2:44 pm (Beaded, Belt, Deep V, Denim, Justine Bateman, Necklace) (, , , )

I’m not sure what Justine Bateman was doing between Family Ties and her recent stint on Desperate Housewives. Somehow she snagged an invite to a Kate Spade dinner last night. And she showed up in this.

Maybe she will be starring in a Lifetime movie about a hardened and emaciated biker chick who likes black eyeliner and beading jewelery. She meets a nice preppy guy, who introduces her to fashionable handbags and dinner soirees. This is beginning to sound like Grease II.


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