January 27, 2009 at 11:14 am (Angelina Jolie, Deep V, Maxi-dress) (, , , , , , , )

Lately I’ve been underwhelmed by a former favorite, Angelina Jolie. Don’t get me wrong, I like minimalist dressing. A lot. And she’s normally top notch.

But she is crossing the line from minimalist simplicity to blandly boring.

The body form is key to minimalist dressing. To me, a blousy silhouette de-emphasizes the linear body form that she starves herself to achieve. This Max Azria dress looks more Palm Springs pool cover-up (dahling) and less New York gallery opening.

Another key to simple dressing is hair. Nothing ruins a sleek look like a fussy 50s hairdo. Comb it straight back into a bun or chignon and you’re done. No wavy bangs. No wispy tendrils. No bouffant crown. Ever.

I hope she can turn this ship around in time for the Oscars.

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Lemon fresh

August 26, 2008 at 6:09 pm (Beaded, Draped, Eva Mendes, Maxi-dress, Sheer, Strapless) (, , , , , , )

There are a few mysteries in the world, and we may never know the answers. Is there alien life form? How were the pyramids built? Is there really a Santa Claus? And why…oh why!?…do people want to wear maxi-dresses?

I can confidently say that I will *never* wear a maxi-dress. Here’s why: I am neither tall nor rail thin. I like McDonald’s french fries and dislike running for miles and miles. There’s a spectrum between a supermodel in a maxi-dress and a woman wearing a muumuu and using an electric scooter in the local Wal-mart. And I certainly have never been mistaken for a supermodel.

There are a few scenarios where I can relax my anti-maxi-dress stance: 1) on the beach or spa, when it is a cover-up, 2) On a plane, when it is for comfort and ease, or 3.) after major abdominal surgery or during pregnancy, when a waistband is more difficult.

I do not like maxi-dresses as red carpet wear. Imagine some of our best style icons– Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Coco Chanel, or Jackie O. Would they *ever* wear a maxi-dress? I. Don’t. Think. So. And for good reason.

Look at Eva Mendes’ recent rendition. First of all, it is a sheer maxi-dress overlay with a fitted corset lining. So this flowy number isn’t any more comfortable than a tight-fitting strapless dress. Then we have the color yellow–which I think is the most difficult color in the entire palette to wear. It looks good on virtually no one.  And then we have the beads, which remind me of a bad seventies door hanging.

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Off with your head

August 7, 2008 at 7:06 pm (Belt, Clutch, Maxi-dress, Natalie Dormer, Plaid, Ruffles) (, , , , , , )

Even though she only plays Ann Boleyn on The Tudors, we might consider beheading Natalie Dormer for this dress. It’s plaid, it’s gathered, it’s ruffled and it has a yellow belt. Wow. It’s a bathrobe for the lumberjack’s wife.

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Brideshead rejected

July 31, 2008 at 12:48 pm (Hayley Atwell, Maxi-dress) (, , , , , , )

The costumes and scenery maybe the best thing going for Brideshead Revisted. It’s a good thing they had Hayley Atwell as an actor, and not as the costume designer!

I am not sure what she is wearing for this photo shoot. Was the dress originally gray, and she accidently got entangled in a food fight with mustard, relish and ketchup? Is she vying for the Pamela Anderson Buoyant Boobs award?

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July 14, 2008 at 2:06 pm (Belt, Maxi-dress, Ruffles) (, , )

This photo reminds me of cheesy cruise boat photos with a fake backdrop. Although Jamie-Lynn Sigler’s backdrop is real, the cheesiness remains. All she needs is a lei and a drink in a pineapple with a paper umbrella.

Her Holly Hobby dress leaves a lot to be desired. The patchwork prints AND the boob valance AND the skirt ruffle AND the skirt length AND the belt are too much. C’mon Jamie-Lynn. You are a cute girl. Unless you want to be the lounge act at the Copacabana, we hope for a little more.

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Death to the maxi-dress

July 10, 2008 at 11:21 am (Ashley Tisdale, Maxi-dress, Ruffles, Tribal) (, , , , )

Confession time: I’ve been sick and tired of the maxi-dress for some time. Our courtship didn’t last very long at all. I saw a few Jessica Simpson or Eva Longoria Parker photos, and I was out. Done. Moved on.

Now I’m not just tired of them, I am poke-my-eyes-out, why-do-we-continue-to-get-punished tired of them.

Today’s wailing and gnashing of teeth is directed at Ashley Tisdale. The fabric is horrible. It is just plain ugly. It isn’t even good enough to be used as upholstery at Taco Bell.

Here’s the only good thing I can muster about it: at least it’s not a jumpsuit.

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Stylin’ Stylist?

July 10, 2008 at 8:51 am (Clutch, Maxi-dress, Necklace, Rachel Zoe) (, , , , )

A fashion stylist’s basic charge is to make people look good. In theory, at least, I’d think that person should look good themselves, right?

I will concede that Rachel Zoe doesn’t look horrible here. At least she is kinda half-heartedly smiling, and her hair is pretty.

But you’ve got to be kidding me with the shapeless, drop waisted, gunny sack, skin-tone-yellow dress here. Does she even have a body under there? Or is she just a cube of bland and boring cheese?

What is the point of working out and starving yourself (not that I do either, honestly) if this is what you are going to wear?

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Battlestar Galactica

July 7, 2008 at 9:33 am (Belt, Clutch, Cut-outs, Deep V, Draped, Gladiator Sandal, Jennifer Lopez, Maxi-dress, Scarf) (, , , , )

I’m starting to see a little Elizabeth Taylor in Jennifer Lopez. She seems to be going for Liz’s Palm-Springs-aging-superstar look.

I’m all for a realistic body image. JLo has always been curvy, and the woman had twins, for heaven’s sake. Most of us have parts of ourselves we’d like to keep covered up. And most of us don’t look half as good as Jennifer Lopez.

But I am getting this vibe from her that she is trying to compensate for some perceived body imperfections. Like she is trying just a little too hard to show is she is still the sexy siren.

Instead, I see a bit of Battlestar Galactica in this outfit. I think it is the mother of all belts. Assuming the tummy area needs a little work after carrying two human beings, why would you wear a stretchy white Stonehenge of a belt?

PS I think JLo has lost her cajones. What is she doing with that little platic tab in her v-neck. JLo of the green Versace dress would never allow that!

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Will o’ the wisp

July 2, 2008 at 9:42 am (Cynthia Nixon, Maxi-dress, Metallic, Mock Turtleneck) (, , , , )

I am not a fan of mock turtlenecks. I am not a fan of wearing a color that is the same as your skin tone, especially if you run on the pale side. I am not a fan of split-end fly-away hair styles. Ergo, I am not a fan of Cynthia Nixon’s look at the Tommy Hilfiger 10th anniversary party.

(At least she looked better than Hugh Jackman and his wife! WTF? This ain’t no backyard barbecue!)

It’s not a big surprise that I didn’t like this look, as I am not a fan of Tommy Hilfiger. I think of him a Ralph Lauren wannabe, but his clothes aren’t nearly as ingenious, stylish or visionary.

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Golden girls

June 26, 2008 at 3:16 pm (Floral, Maxi-dress, Necklace, Shiny, Tunic, Uma Thurman) (, , , )

Dear Diary, 

For Nelson Mandela’s birthday party I think I’ll wear a dress inspired by The Golden Girls. He is ninety, after all. And I just love that show! Betty White is a riot, and Rue McClanahan is one saucy lady.

Picture it. Sophia Petrillo escapes from the lanai in her muumuu and hauls butt to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. She goes to some parades and even snags a few gold beads and a handful of doubloons, until that wacky Bea Arthur finds her and hauls her back to Shady Pines.

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