Mad plaid
I really thought/hoped/dreamed/prayed we were past the full length tartan plaid look. Sure, I get that the kid likes to wear dresses and refuses to wear pants. Does that mean that mom has to wear a big, full, ruffled, shapeless dress too? Suri’s dress and cardigan are way cuter than this ensemble.
Xena
Kelly Lynch seems to be channelling Xena the Scottish Warrior Princess here. Why else would she pair Larry the Cable Guy’s plaid shirt with some butt-kickin’ boots and a studded purse? I don’t know if the look is Scottish, western, biker, or warrior. But I know it’s bad.
Oh noe Zoe!
It seems that, between her hectic styling career and her Bravo TV show, Rachel Zoe still has some extra time on her hands. Cuz she has obviously picked up latch hook, and insists on wearing her crafty items to the Salvatore Ferragamo show in Milan.
Seriously, come on. The dress is plaid. And bulky. And fringed. And shapeless. And cowl-necked. Who can wear that? And, more importantly, why would they want to wear a Scottish throw rug?
Bruno oh no
Charlize Theron’s Vanessa Bruno dress is definitely a fashion don’t.
It looks like Martha Stewart dyed a worn-out homemade dress in a tea bath and then glue gunned a light blue ribbon to the crotch.
It’s not a good thing.
Aunt Jemima
Jessica Simpson has beat her “country” look to an utter and complete pulp. Ugh. Unless you’re Dolly Parton (for whom country kitsch has been elevated to an art form), looking this country/folksy/hillbilly just isn’t necessary. It certainly doesn’t make your CD sell any better!
If Aunt Jemima moonlighted as a Playboy bunny, this is the dress she would wear. It is unfashionable, unflattering, and utterly unappealing. Almost as unappealing as the looks Jessica makes when she sings.
PS How many more of these “love of my life” covers will we have to endure?
Cousin Itt
Almost duped by Solange Knowles!
First glance: looking pretty good. Hair: good. Dress: like it. Belt: we’ll go with it. Bracelet: not feeling the Fendi badge of honor but, given the totally insane things you normally sport, it’s acceptable.
Three cheers for Solan….oh, wait. Hmmm. What the heck are on her feet? Did she get those shoes from the House of Cousin Itt? Is she trying to look like a Clydesdale horse? Is she swiffering the floor during her visit to TRL?
Off with your head
Even though she only plays Ann Boleyn on The Tudors, we might consider beheading Natalie Dormer for this dress. It’s plaid, it’s gathered, it’s ruffled and it has a yellow belt. Wow. It’s a bathrobe for the lumberjack’s wife.
Teen (bad fashion) choice award
It’s probably a little tough to dress for the Teen Choice Awards. The average age of the viewing audience is about 15. So people who really are about 15 want to look older and more sophisticated, but still trendy. Those who are double the target age (or older!) are painfully trying to still look relevant and hip. Instead, you get Brian Austin Green failing to look either hip or trendy.
Here is exhibit A: Teens Trying to Look Older- Joy Lauren.
Here is exhibit B: Non-Teens Trying to Look
Hip and Relevant- Most of the people in the room over the age of 30. Let’s start with David Beckham and move to Mariah Carey, Randy Jackson, Adam Sandler, etc.
In all these cases, I say: Dress Your Age! If you are young and perky, don’t dress like you are 50 in a below-the-knee black skirt, unflattering vest, and matronly pearl necklace.
And if you age doesn’t end in -teen anymore, please acknowledge that. You can still look relevant and trendy without going to extremes. It’s better for people to think you look great for your age. Nothing is worse than trying to hard and not succeeding.
Send in the clowns
I had to shield my eyes from this photo. The sheen off those pants almost caused temporary blindness! Can you believe they are Prada?
Where does someone even find orange-and-blue plaid pants!? The Barnum and Bailey thrift store? All Sigourney needs is a round red nose and some over-sized shoes.
Milkmaid
Maggie Gyllenhaal makes this too easy. She goes to a Peace Bed-in sponsored by Ben and Jerry’s dressed like a flippin’ Vermont milkmaid. Honestly. You don’t need me to write anything here. This shit can write itself.
