Speechless
I don’t think Debi Mazar is pregnant. But even if she is, pregnancy is no excuse for this atrocious dress. It has left me utterly speechless. How can you even put this dress into words?
I feel like an alien invasion is occurring in her dress. Perhaps it’s like Atari Asteroids, right before your are obliterated because so many asteroids are coming down on your missile. No matter how hard you try, how quickly you move your joystick back and forth, and how many times you click on the button to fire, the asteroids keep coming down faster and faster and faster until you deteriorate and die out.
Unpleasant peasant
Normally, I focus on red carpet fashions. If you are a celebrity making oodles of money and have access to the best in fashion, you darn well better look good. Dang it, you are paid to look good.
But we all lead regular lives. If you are out running errands and look a little short of fabulous, I get it. You should see me during early morning Starbucks runs. So, I’ll give you a little leeway.
Only a little leeway, though. Julianne Moore would need A LOT of leeway in this outfit. There is not one single thing that is flattering about this dress. I honestly can’t pick one single thing. If I was being waterboarded, I could relent with, “Black is a stylish color,” or “The bag certainly looks roomy.”
Not even torture could get me to like those shoes. In fact, those shoes ARE torture! Are the Doc Marten flip-flops? Combat slip-ons? Goodyear lace-ups?
Death to the maxi-dress
Confession time: I’ve been sick and tired of the maxi-dress for some time. Our courtship didn’t last very long at all. I saw a few Jessica Simpson or Eva Longoria Parker photos, and I was out. Done. Moved on.
Now I’m not just tired of them, I am poke-my-eyes-out, why-do-we-continue-to-get-punished tired of them.
Today’s wailing and gnashing of teeth is directed at Ashley Tisdale. The fabric is horrible. It is just plain ugly. It isn’t even good enough to be used as upholstery at Taco Bell.
Here’s the only good thing I can muster about it: at least it’s not a jumpsuit.
Where have you been, Mischa Barton?
Just yesterday, I was pining to myself, “Where are you, Mischa Barton? It’s been several days since I’ve seen you in a wacky ensemble. You actually looked quite nice at the Viktor and Rolf event in London. Maybe you changed stylists? Or actually hired one?”
But don’t despair! Our gal is back in predicatably bad fashion.
Here she is at the Billionaire Boys Club event in London last night. Maybe she was competing in a contest to wear as many random items as possible at one time– kinda like seeing how many jelly beans you can fit into your mouth at once.
Here’s the tally of items in this outfit:
1. patterned scarf
2. sheer blouse with embroidered front
3. beaded vest
4. leather jacket
5. bright yellow silk short shorts
6. black tights
7. beaded suede sandals
8. shoulder bag
Run for the hills
At the risk of sounding like a complete fogey, I’ll admit that I’ve never watched The Hills. So I wasn’t familiar with Whitney Port until she hit my radar screen with this blinding dress. Yowza.
She looks like a kachina doll or an Aztecan warrior. Maybe someone dared her to wear this in a sorority pledge prank. Who knows. Hopefully there is some good excuse for her wearing this atrocity of a dress. All she needs is a dreamcatcher necklace.
Tribal Trash
Beware — the evil tribal god has been angered. A sacrificial offering will need to be made to appease him, and keep dresses like this from being worn ever again.
Tribal can look great– ethnic, earthy, and dramatic. This achieves none of those goals. The pattern looks like the face of an angry dung beetle. And, honestly, what IS that apron/mud flap in the front? The dress is absolutely shapeless, and the zig-zag hem and striped trim add to the mayhem.
This dress? Fuggetaboutit!
